| I feel so good, I feel so numb, yeah... |
[Mar. 22nd, 2006|03:18 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Rob Zombie - Numb | ] |
Insight is a splendid thing. Splendid. Stupid ghey word.
So here I sit, weighing up my life. Am I good enough? Have I done enough? Does any of this really matter?
I don't know. Despair floats at the edge of consciousness. Just have to get through the next week and a half. Is this really what it comes down to?
I do not understand where I fit. How I fit, into this world. What is my purpose?
"Hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me.
And I find it kind of funny
And I find it kind of sad
That the dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had".
Tears for Fears - Mad World
Is this really me? This shell with no emotions, unexplained bruises, collapsed veins and shaky hands? Is this a man to be respected? A son to be proud of? A husband worth caring about? Do I make a difference? If I was not here, would the world be a different place? Does any one person really matter in the grand scheme of things? Why does it matter if I care? Why does anything I do matter? So this is me... justifying my actions with unaccountability. And when I do surrender, it is only to the high.
No respect here. |
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| Justifying chastity |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|01:33 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
Aren't brains tricky things?
"I had a brain scan today."
"Did they find anything?"
[insert uproarous laughter here]
"Have you stopped beating your wife yet?"
Which reminds me of that great stop sign joke.
Guy slows down but does not actually stop at a stop sign and gets pulled over.
"But officer, I slowed down and saw that nothing was coming. It was safe, what is the difference?"
"Let me show you", says the officer. "Get out of the car."
He then proceeds to hit the driver repeatedly with his baton.
"Now, do you want me to stop, or slow down?" |
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| Pin the tail on the donkey |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|03:40 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
The past few days have been... difficult. Trying to arrange my life into some semblance of order, but random thoughts keep popping up Jack Handey style.
1. Every day clean is a get out of jail free card. (I like this one)
2. I am a control freak.
2a. Some areas of life cannot be controlled, so I make up for it in other areas.
2b. Veganism is for a moral stand, but also a method of control.
3. I am less secure in my masculinity than I thought.
4. The urge to run away is strong.
5. I fear that I may never reach the potential that everyone thinks I have.
6. Regret is a waste of time.
6b. I waste alot of time.
7. I have been neglecting my recovery.
7b. 90% of my problem is lack of due diligence.
8. Lately, I have been very self-centered.
In light of these, I am going back to NA.
And in my head, I just added "... right after..." - NO. Now. |
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| Hmmm... |
[Oct. 30th, 2005|10:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
I just noticed that if I view this journal without logging in, it looks like there is nothing here. Heh. To those who actually follow the story line, I apologize and will attempt to be less secretive in the future.
FWIW, I am out, all is well. Thank you to those who sent their good wishes. |
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| Lowering the shields |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|11:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
Ever noticed how sometimes, when someone attacks, lowering your shields makes them step back and take stock? In some ways, the offensive is more fun though. Exercise for the mind. The buffalo need water. |
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| Happy birthday sweetheart! |
[Apr. 16th, 2005|03:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
Who would believe you are eight years old today? Happy birthday Juliette. What joy in your sweet smile. |
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| Bah humbug |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|08:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way | ] |
My other journal has winked into the ether. And it just took me three tries to spell "ether". Not a good sign, I hope my brain does not follow the journal.
Interesting, the twists life takes sometimes. I guess you do notice when something inexplicably disappears. Need to send out the occasional "all is well" smoke signal. RESPONSIBILITY. Bleh.
Bing. Hello, I am alive. Bing. |
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| And, he was, like, WTF? |
[Apr. 11th, 2005|04:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | inquisitive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Alphaville - Dance With Me | ] |
Where did my weekend go? Where did my day go? Why aren't I wearing tissue boxes on my feet? Worst of all, I cannot remember if I have fed the dog twice, or not at all. She would lead me to believe not at all, regardless. Or is that irregardless? Or irregular? Irregulardless? Which I suspect is some sort of Jello dessert. And what happened to all the fish? |
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| Spit wads |
[Apr. 11th, 2005|01:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Metallica - One | ] |
Lollipops and sunshine and rainbows.
Well I think last night was reasonably kick ass. I do not remember much of it so it had to be pretty good, right? Although I do recall that the music left a lot to be desired (I mean, how many times can you listen to Boney M and retain sanity? And what the hell does a sugar in a plum look like anyways?) and there were a distinct lack of aikido rolls forthcoming after one of the Looks. And I seem to remember a pair of red Chucks stuck in the footwell while a certain someone rolled on the ground laughing with his feet still in the car. Weirdo. |
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| Et voila! |
[Apr. 9th, 2005|06:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Coal Chamber - My Frustration | ] |
Now we are cooking with gas! Or cranking with electricity anyways.
Two motherboards, almost three video cards, several unassemblies and reassemblies later, and it boots. It BOOTS!!! There was a brief scare when there was a boot error due to the SATA cable becoming mysteriously unhooked (stupid idea, there is virtually NOTHING keeping those cables in place) but lo and behold, the little guys on bicycles are doing a grand job. In fact it is so damn quick it makes me giggle like a little girl. :) |
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| Heh. Forgot this was here. |
[Apr. 8th, 2005|12:08 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Green Day - American Idiot | ] |
So Shivs has been telling me forever that I should hook up with LiveJournal. Because obviously the whole world wants to know what I am doing and what I am thinking at 3am on a Monday morning. I am that damn popular. No really, quit laughing now.
Here lies the prophetic wit of the Grand Oracle and Purveyor of Fine Taxidermy. Browse at your peril.
Muhahahahaha.
*sigh* |
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